Yesterday my friend Jo asked when I was going to post a new article. I told her that I am not that positive as I’m used to and that I don’t want to poison my blog with any negativity. Nonetheless, I feel the urge and a certain responsibility to share the reason with my dear readers.
I did not plan not to write any more articles and let the blog fade away or stand on it’s own as there are a bunch of articles to read. Far from that. I extended the hosting regardless the real reason of my absence.
You see, most of the time my articles are kind of positive. When I read the reactions I think I don’t exaggerate when I say that they are sometimes motivating and shining the light on the small things in life we sometimes just forget.
I think I am a good adviser sometimes. Alas, I seem not to be good at taking my own advice when it comes to keep positive and that is the real reason why I did not annoy you with new posts lately.
So, what happened?
In the last couple of month I had to face the sad fact that my business was doing well. Yes, I know this sounds ridiculous in this context but unless it was growing it was growing to slow. I think every entrepreneur knows the fears you have to face when it comes to making ends meets. Especially when you just started your business. I have to admit that I can’t stand this fear and that I’m not able ignoring it. In fact I just lost the race against time. My business just didn’t cover the cost for a complete living. So I had to shut my business down.
Though there are still commissions dripping in, it’s not enough to make ends meet. So I have to take another big step: I have to sell my home. Before I do this I want to fix some little things here and there. And one big thing: The backyard!
I’m going to sell my home without exactly knowing what’s next. Where I have to go. OK, I’ll looking for a small flat and I can stay for a while at my girlfriends place. She won’t let me down, but in the eight years of our partnership we are familiar with the fact that we both have our own place and never had a problem with it.
OK, I don’t want to mourn and this is another reason for my silence. There are many people out there with similar problems. Knowing this doesn’t ease the pain by the way.
I knew that all this could happen and this was one more motivating factor for me to keep this blog online, though I couldn’t really afford it. Luckily my provider works with a prepaid system and I don’t receive invoices when the hosting period is over.
I just wanted to make sure that there is no danger of going off-line without having the chance to keep my fellows updated about what is happening and so on. Even if I would lose my home and everything I could write an article on paper and type it over a computer with Internet connection at the library for example.
Going off-line was my greatest fear in the beginning and I didn’t know that it can be much worse. I mean greater fears. Through all this fears that I have now I am kind of paralyzed and not very creative, though I have some creative ideas for the future. There are so much things that have to be done to prevent negative things from happening. The panic attacks are worse than I know them from the past, but deep inside me I have the hope that I will overcome this. There were even days where I really was suicidal. I’m not kidding this time. Since a long time I caught myself thinking It’s not nice being me!
Fears can kill your creativity. Please don’t let that happen to you. Gather together with people you love and share your feelings. This is the only advice I can give today. I’ll try to follow this advice as well.
To be continued! (Really)