How do you deal with criticism? I really want to know and looking forward to what you have to share. By thinking about it, maybe you discover some unnecessary self limiting thoughts or behavior.
As I had a conversation with a dear friend about criticism yesterday, I thought about it today on my boring ride on the bus. Since long I had to think back on my childhood and youth when I heard over and over again, like a mantra, that I don’t must do this and that because of what other people could think. I found it pretty funny, that my parents where so keen about the thoughts of the people they don’t even knew or like. I’m pretty sure that you have similar experiences when your think back to your younger years.
Maybe you are in the middle of this experiences, no matter at what age you are. Do you remember phrases like “Hey, don’t do this. The neighbors may think you are stupid.” Yes? Chances are big that the same neighbors were the main topic of the discussion at the diner table and your parents were talking about how stupid this particular neighbors were. Recognizable? It is for me.
How do I deal with criticism? Before I can expect you to share your point of view, I understand that I have to make the kick-off. The way I deal with criticism is very simple: I don’t deal with it unless it’s positive criticism. Really, I don’t care about negative criticism. In plain English: I don’t give a damn. This is just because I focus on the things I want and not on the things I don’t want, as you get more of what you focus on.
Maybe an understanding of the difference about the reason and the cause of criticism is helpful.
The reason of criticism isn’t necessarily the cause. In my opinion, it is seldom the reason and more often the cause why people criticizing others. So, what do I mean with this? What is the difference between reason and cause here? The explanation is quite simple: Let’s say someone dislikes you. This person will criticize every action you take. The reason (the actual criticism) itself is often ridiculous.
In this case you can state it like this:
Cause: dislike.
Reason: whatever the person invented to criticize you.
I’ll give you a more tangible example like I experienced it a couple of weeks ago:
A Dutch person criticized this blog by telling me that she found my English skills terrible. Further she said that I should be ashamed of it because I am a writer. For a better understanding you have to know that she visited this blog via a Dutch forum where I gave my opinion about the degradation of the Dutch language.
Cause: Dislike, probably because of my straight to the point reaction on the forum, where I stated that it is sad that there are Dutch people who don’t seem to know their own language.
Reason: Something very stupid, she invented out of the need to insult me. Why is this stupid?
1. She criticized my English and did not do it in English, so that she could proof how wonderful her own English skills are compared to mine.
2. I am a Dutch writer and so I am writing in the Dutch language. What has writing Dutch books to do with an English blog anyway? Nothing. But maybe she felt herself insulted because there was a recognition in my reaction on the Dutch forum. This gave her an adrenaline overdose and she tried to get a shot of serotonine to make her feel better. If this person is reading this now, it may give her this shot at last. But it could be the adrenaline again. Whatever kick it is: enjoy the trip, sweety.
Another cause is often a shifting comfort zone, though I could better talk in this case about an alibi zone. If you do anything what others dream of, think of or considering doing for years but eventually don’t do, you are shifting their comfort zone.
Why is that? In their unconscious mind they are cultivating self sabotaging patterns of thinking, what (if not banned) always results in self sabotaging behavior. They don’t do it intentionally as it takes place in the unconscious mind. But what they do intentionally is finding alibis why things don’t work and can’t be done by someone like them. Most of the time this goes hand in hand by blaming somebody else for the circumstances.
You see? Here is where the trouble starts. If you are or were someone they consider equal to themselves regarding possibilities and opportunities, you are shifting their comfort zones. This means for them that they lose their alibis for not doing it.
Let’s say you come from the same social environment and someone (their parents for example) implemented over the years in their minds that they can’t achieve this what you about to achieve, because nobody in the neighborhood can achieve something like that.
You can see this criticism as a cry for help and forgive me that I tend to quote Paul McKenna again: “Try to reinterpret what others may say about you. See their criticism as a cry for help as they wish they were as amazing as you.”
I know you’re amazing and I’m very curious about your point of view.
I hope to read it very soon.
Mario
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I like your point of view, but I am going to “criticise” it! I do agree that half the time that a person criticises another it is due to dislike. As in the personal example you wrote about. Dislike, or even jealousy; inborn natural human reactions. But another majority reason for criticism is helpfulness for the cause of improvement.
A basic example would be:
After I had spend days perfecting (according to my standards) a website for a client, that client who had previously mutually agreed with me on design and content, then criticises my work to the extent that I might as well start all over again. That client is not criticising me because of dislike or jealousy, but because of the positive human reactions of being helpful to make more improvement (possibly to his standards).
Everything stops after a criticism, be it only for a second or a few minutes, or longer…. People stop what they’re doing after receiving a criticism; they stop and think – which is good. People who give out criticism often are not necessarily people who are jealous or dislike another person, or that person’s ideas or work. Most of the time when I criticise it is because I feel strongly enough about something that I’ve read or heard that I think could be improved or corrected, not that I expect people to act upon my criticism but it’s there as a guiding hand.
To criticise = to analyse. I personally do not like the word “criticise”, it is one of those ugly hyped-up words that unnecessarily puts a damper on things most of the time. Criticism is essential to mankind: it provides room for improvement, ideas, communication, and mental good health. The word “criticism” should not have to be interpreted as an “ugly” word: putting people on the defence, upsetting people. Criticism is teamwork and communication. I would rather be criticised negatively, than not at all! How else would I know if I was ‘keeping on the right track’?
Yes, your English grammar could be improved upon; but in this instance (your blog) it doesn’t deter at all from your content. Your article actually prompted a response from me, someone who rarely comment on blogs or forums. I have excellent grammar skills (I professionally proofread for others) and yet this response to your article is chock-a-block with grammar – and possibly punctuation – mistakes. I am not going to correct them because to do so would change the context and spontaneousness of my reply in this instance. “Different styles for different people”.
Hi Miryam,
Thank you very much for your opinion. As an opinion is formed after analyzing, it is in fact a nicer word for criticism.
Your example shows that the client has analyzed your work to see if it matches his needs. So his opinion isn’t the result of dislike, envy or anything like that. I guess that the choice of his words wasn’t negative.
Replacing the word ‘but’ by ‘and’ makes a huge difference, as everything that follows after ‘but’ is canceling out the positivity in the begin of the sentence.
Hi Mario,
First thank you for visiting my blog. I have had put a reply for your comment.
Your article on Critisim enthused me to read it more. A different subject for me to read. I believe there are different ways and forms of expressing it in different parts of the world. In some places, the Critics are followed with blind eyes not realising the truth, and if in a certain situation where their is envy or jealousy or as you said, dislike can make the critic write negative. Some crictis go to the length of even ignoring the good stuff.
You may find this amusing, but if you read reviews for a single movie from different critics, and if you want to know what they actually ment, mix them up. You will get your answer.
Paul’s quote rightly discribes, “what you see at the first glance may invoke some feeling which may not stay when you try to understand what it acually ment.”
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Hello Mario!
I am not one that likes criticism unless it is a structural positive criticism.
Those who criticize openly in a negative way those are jealous of you, and your progress. You know well that nobody is perfect, so why criticize….If they do not going to help, why put someone down…You are at least in much better position because you tried your best to do something positive in that blog. Either way, my father use to say, “If you not going to help do not try to destroy what was build?”
Thank you for sharing, I hope that will give you light on your work.
Best wishes,
Zuzanna
Hello Zuzanna,
Thank you for your thoughts.
I also like your fathers approach.
Best wishes to you as well,
Mario